Copy MAAIKE OLDE OLTHOF Photography MARTIN DIJKSTRA | 4 minuten
“So, how’s everything on the money front?” “Ehm, excuse me?” said Jules, my partner. He sounded more surprised than offended. “Well, what does your financial life look like?” the therapist continued. “That is fine. There is no need to worry about that. I thought we were here to discuss different issues,” Jules replied firmly. At that point, he had been a pilot for roughly 15 years. His habit of counting every penny that comes in wasn’t because our family life was overly costly; it was more about the fact that spending as little money as possible was deeply ingrained in his system.
At that time, the children were still young and our relationship was struggling, so we decided to seek couples therapy as a last attempt to save it. We both wondered if it was the right move. The therapist, Kees, whose very Dutch name appeared on both his website and clinic, introduced himself as Karan at the first session. I gave him a puzzled look. "It is the second name I’ve given myself after I had a revelation during a retreat. It originates from Sanskrit."
As wishy-washy as that name was, the sessions turned out to be really down-to-earth. In fact, when Kees mentioned the magic word ‘money’ during therapy, I was immediately triggered, to be honest.
"Actually, I don't think things are quite right," I contradicted my other half. 'I have been worrying about that. "Do you have any financial concerns?", the therapist asked.
"No, in our relationship money is more of a covert matter. Because with Jules, things are rather obscure. Although we have been together for 8 years, I don't even know how much he earns and he refuses to be forthcoming. There is even a feeling that I might be after his money." Jules avoided eye contact and sighed. But I hadn't finished yet.
“He owns the house, which he bought when we had just been together for a year. At the time, I could appreciate that. But now we are a family with children, and I want to contribute. Even if only proportionally. Because as things are going now, I'm not accruing anything myself. And he simply refuses to talk about it."
“Mmm...”, said Kees thoughtfully. “To me this seems like a perfectly reasonable wish.” He then turned to Jules: ‘What is holding you back?" “The risk”, Jules replied almost immediately. “My ex pushed things to the extreme, so I ended up losing a lot of money.
It had something to do with the equity in property that was in both our names, even though she had never invested any money in it.”
After listening to the story and being silent for a long time, Kees summed it up as follows. “So, Maaike is held responsible for what your ex put you through?” I liked Kees.
“Look, I don't need to know how much you guys earn. But I raised the question because love and money often connect. Someone who saves and fears their partner is overspending, may also be hesitant in their romantic life. And someone who spends money like water is more likely to give love abundantly in relational matters and is less apt in receiving.” The penny dropped. If I used to feel like I had to work very hard for my meagre salary, it’s not surprising I found myself in a relationship where I was the only one putting in effort for very little love.
“Communicating about money”, Kees said, “may not be the sexiest thing but is crucial for a healthy loving relationship.”
Therapy didn't cement anything; on the contrary, it made us realise that we weren't a good fit. Jules and I have been separated for years now. The divorce went fairly smoothly, without major disagreements. There was only one issue that nearly had to be settled in court: the finances.
Maaike Olde Olthof is a writer and columnist at LINDA.nl. She is author of 'Wat een Scheidboek'. Messy co-parenting and being a forty-something single provide enough inspiration for a novel or two. She also has two teenage daughters at home, a glaring dislike for household chores and, perhaps, a wish to get her finances in better order than they are now. What about her retirement? And what does the arrival of the new pension mean?
